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Jokes in the time of coronavirus 

How soon is “too soon” when you’re living through it?

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click to enlarge DOME DUSSADEECHETTAKUL FROM PEXELS
  • And among the GII 2016 leaders, four economies — Japan, the US, the UK, and Germany— stand out in innovation quality.
    Few of the Fed's forecasts have proceeded according to plan over the course of the sharp economic downturn and choppy recovery, a fact that Fed officials now openly acknowledge. 'We have been disappointed in the pace of growth, and we don't fully understand why,' Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said at his final news conference last month.

I'm in a great position going into indefinite isolation, because I get to read jokes, like this one from Malic White (@malicwhite), on Twitter all day, every day: "Any queer who makes it through quarantine without giving themself a weird haircut wins 9 lives." While some people are avoiding social media altogether to keep themselves from having a panic attack, over the past handful of years I have surrounded myself with comedians on every platform. And let me tell you, even in the midst of a pandemic these comics are WORKING. Lauren Harsh has been hosting a weekly virtual open mic called Cabin Fever. Scott Duff has been hosting his own cooking show daily on Facebook. Podcasts are recording remotely, talk show hosts are monologuing to empty audiences, and the hilarious tweets and Facebook statuses have been multiplying like bunnies. But in these unusual times, is it even OK to be joking? How can you determine if something is "too soon" when you're living in it every day? I reached out to some comics (virtually!) to get their jokes and thoughts.

Tessa Orzech
@tessa_saysrelax
"Interesting to learn that a global pandemic was the only thing that could cure my FOMO."

Five programmes feature in the pre-experience ranking for the first time. The highest new entrant is Lee Kong Chian School of Business at Singapore Management University. The school came second in terms of the international mobility of its graduates, and is the first school to feature in both pre-experience and post-experience rankings.
卡戴珊,这就是女子精修学校入门级的简单礼仪:并拢双膝和脚踝,然后侧身就可以了。
记者们注意,求职网站CareerCast.com传来了一个坏消息:你们的工作当选“2015年美国最差职业”。另两种传媒业工作也在这份榜单上高居前列,和一些重体力工作排在一起。
Samsung’s comment was shorter: “Media reports of the acquisition are groundless.”
Inventors Bryan Carpenter and Bland Hoke were inspired by their passion for the outdoors, and decided to come up with a creative way to bring their hammocks everywhere they go.
卓越雇主排名:7
SplashData公司首席执行官摩根-斯莱恩说:“不幸的是,虽然最新的一部星球大战系列电影很精彩,但使用‘starwars’这个密码却很危险。”
Alice Schwarzer, who has battled for women’s rights for years, is stunned that “an old-school sexist” like Donald J. Trump could win the United States presidency.
boring
作为历史上一种非常敏感的大宗商品,原油价格走势已连续三年保持波澜不惊,其背后的一大支持因素就是美国的页岩油。
In 2002, Marc Cherry (the creator of Desperate Housewives) was watching the news with his mother in her home. The lead story on the news that day (and many days before) was the Andrea Yates trial. Andrea was on trial for drowning her five children in the bathtub. Marc turned to his mother and asked, "Could you imagine a woman being so desperate that she would murder her own children?"
美国国际集团(AIG)首席执行长本默切(Robert Benmosche)将当选年度CEO。

Andrew Tavin
@andrewtavin
"I think it's weird that everyone was calling it coronavirus and then suddenly some people started calling it the Chinese Virus. It's like if I woke up one day and people were just calling bagels 'Jew Bread,' but when I asked about it they got mad at me for not focusing on what's really important: saving all the people being killed by bagels. Like, oh, sorry, I'll go back to my job researching bagel vaccines instead of wasting my time on Facebook." (Don't know if that's any good, but I don't really have a place to try out new material right now . . .)

我对事物持悲观态度
圣加伦大学校友的薪资排名第三,为114449美元(按购买力平价调整后),排在艾哈迈达巴德的印度管理学院(Indian Institute of Management)和印度管理学院班加罗尔分校(IIM Bangalore)之后,这两所商学院校友的平均薪资分别为116476美元和116094美元。圣加伦大学还在职业服务质量方面排名第一。
Brazil's President Dilma Rousseff, who is facing impeachment, slashed her own salary by 10% to $103,400 a year last October as part of a wider austerity drive.
vt. 为 .
至少在城市大部分人能去上班是不可能的,这将影响多个行业,包括金融、广告、医疗保健和艺术。近两天城市的交通线路、桥梁、隧道都瘫痪了,在最新的报告中,地铁到下周可能会正常运作。
(G.I. Joe: Retaliation)以及两部小规模电影,加起来在全球的票房收入总计13亿美元。
前述北京微信用户Robin Wang说,11年前他是一位忠实的QQ用户,但现在已经停用这款即时通讯服务,因为它显得不够专业。但自从在手机上下载微信之后,他发现多数同事和朋友都在上面,现在大家都通过语音邮件交流了。
initially
Moreover, a “turnaround in the short run is unlikely”, given China’s efforts to rebalance its economy from exports towards consumption (thereby reducing demand for imports of intermediate inputs), reinforced by “government policy to stimulate the use of domestic suppliers” and rising protectionism elsewhere, he argues.
4. Add Color
AMC频道的《广告狂人》(Mad Men)也是如此。该剧演到了第七季,剧中人物和20世纪60年代的背景似乎已被挖掘干净,不过它仍在让观众猜测结局,结局要到明年才播出。《黑道家族》(The Sopranos)结局模糊。《绝命毒师》(Breaking Bad)以沃尔特·怀特(Walter White)死去告终。现在,隐约显现的下一个电视谜题是唐·德雷珀(Don Draper)的最后时刻——究竟是死去还是活着。
benefit
特斯拉:为了缓解外界对特斯拉电动汽车充电时间问题的诟病,特斯拉开始推出一个通过换电池快速充电的充电站网络。CEO埃隆o马斯克肯定希望自己的运气比夏伊o阿加西的Better Place公司好一些,这家公司在2013年破产前做的就是电池更换充电站业务。
[in'fekn]

Julie Merica
@jmerica
"If all of these 'Social Distancing: Day One' meltdown posts don't encourage at least a few of y'all to foster a cat or dog over the next few weeks I am gonna be so dang disappointed."

n. 前进,航行速度,进展,(前后两车间的)车间时距
For the full year, profits rose 3.3 per cent, the slowest growth since at least 2008, when Chinese manufacturers were slammed by the global financial crisis.
6. 谷歌搜索广告关键词规划工具
据教育部表示,这些学生90%以上都就读于英语国家,例如美国、英国和澳大利亚等,70%的人至少是在攻读学士学位。
源于:repertory(n 仓库),剧目的仓库-全部剧目
男女学员的薪资差距已扩大到17%,女性平均薪资为17万美元,男性则达到近20万美元。
对于可治疗的癌症,非洲人有了新的希望。
国考报名将于本月24日截止,而考试将于11月27日在中国各大城市举行。
In a rigorous analysis of Dutch financial records, Koudijs and Voth conclude that the only real difference between the pessimists and the optimists was whether they had gone through a harrowing personal experience. Koudijs compares it to the behavior of people who lived through the Great Depression, and who avoided financial risk for decades after trauma had passed.
他说,本周早些时候他和美国国务卿克里的会谈显示,美国准备朝“解决只有通过共同努力方能解决的问题”的方向发展。
《请以你的名字呼唤我》
A mother has written a letter in defence of her 14-year-old son who is facing a lawsuit over video game cheats in the US.
We learned that there is new hope for Africans with treatable cancers.
The developer behind Kinect Disneyland Adventures and Elite: Dangerous is taking the theme park business to the extreme in ScreamRide. The game lets players build outrageous roller coasters, thrill rides and attractions from the ground up and then take them for a test run. The game offers three ways to play: Engineers can construct elaborate rides that test the boundaries of physics and g-forces; Scream Riders get on these rides and experience the thrills and spills first-hand – sometimes resulting in untimely deaths; and Demolition Experts can use any means necessary to tear down an entire amusement park. With classic PC games like Roller Coaster Tycoon now playable on smartphones, this next generation of thrill-ride creator is a welcome interactive experience. It’s always fun to build, ride and destroy roller coasters – and ScreamRide offers plenty of ways to share the thrills with your friends.
随着他不断运用网络来搜集知识,达洛伊西奥意识到,他急需一个能让他快速确定文章阅读价值的方法。于是他构想了一个摘要工具,能运用语言学理论来编写低于400字的内容提要。
Age: 56

Jamie Shriner Biddle
@jamieshrinerbiddle
"I ran a red light and the camera clicked, and I said out loud 'I guess that's what I get for trying to escape corona!' THANKS CORONA." (Not great for print.)

它们的计算方法着重于学校的研究成果和声誉而非特定的本科或研究生课程。这不同于该报在编纂最佳学院排名和最佳研究生院排名时所用的方法。
2.告诉你的朋友在世界杯期间无论如何也不要忙着生孩子、结婚或办丧事,因为我们是不会去的。
201110/156988.shtml
5. What are my core values? What is important to you as an individual? Is it family, health, spirituality, work, etc.? Make sure that you are living in alignment with what matters most to you.
体育在热门趋势搜索排行中占据了优势地位,对2012欧洲杯和奥运门票感兴趣的人最多,排名超过了休斯顿和凯特王妃。
stroke
Aoki-san is a pleasure to work withon storyboard. With Aoki-san on the team it feels like a sure thing. The visionof these animations will be perfect.
第九步 每天,告诉全世界“别BB了”,其实这样蛮圈粉的
将学习放在最重要的位置
“I don’t think there are any companies that have survived big assaults from two of the biggest beasts in the hedge fund jungle,” says Ms Simpson of Calpers. “He is cool, calm and collected — the corporate exemplar of ‘Keep calm and carry on’.”
就算油价在2015年有可能反弹,但是油价几乎不可能再短期内回到100美元一桶,除非在世界主要产油地区发生广泛的地缘政治危机。所以这份礼物将在2015年得到持续并且长久的促进美国经济的加快复苏。
耶路撒冷小女孩参加“圣殿山筛选项目”考古活动时,发现一古埃及护符。
opposed
安哥拉,津巴布韦,和阿尔巴尼亚的排名在所有国家中上升幅度最大。“从广度和深度上来讲,拉丁美洲,加勒比地区,以及撒哈拉以南非洲等地域的国家,人民幸福感提高比较大。腐败的减少也是提高幸福感的一个很重要的原因。”

Katie Baker
@katiebcomedy
"As a lifelong hypochondriac, watching everyone freak out over coronavirus makes me feel so seen."

榜单前十名中的其它外国影片为《变形金刚5:最后的骑士》、《摔跤吧!爸爸》、《加勒比海盗5:死无对证》和《金刚:骷髅岛》。
韩云平称,去年质检总局组织了两次大规模的检查,涉及超过5300批的进口消费品,例如空气净化器、汽车刹车块、家用电器和服装等,其中超过1500批的商品不合格。
特斯拉是一款富人车。在均价85,000美元的水平线上,可以说买特斯拉的人没人会在意汽油钱。特斯拉在续航里程上的短板,也说明了它绝对不会是车主家里的唯一一辆车。如果这些人的新鲜劲儿过去了,特斯拉的订单储备就会缩水,也会像其它厂商一样需要为销量打拼。
“如果我们能找到在两个地方都购物的人,那就非常有价值。你知道他们是谁,他们买什么,他们哪些方面花钱,”哈勃补充说。“你可以给他们更加个人化的体验。”
联合国表示,菲律宾总统发起的禁毒战争存在人权问题。周日杜特尔特因此向联合国发起抨击,并表示菲律宾可能离开联合国,转而与中国和非洲国家组成一个新机构。
China's best performances by subject this year come from Tsinghua University, with three top-10 places, and Peking University, with two top-10 places. Tsinghua University finishes eighth in both Architecture/Built Environment and in Engineering (Civil and Structural). Tsinghua comes in 10th place in the world's Materials Science subject rankings.
完成家庭作业,阅读指定的内容,以及其他的事。在网络上查找关于你的学习主题的内容,在图书馆看看书,再看看还可以学到哪些关于主题的内容。

Ryan P. C. Trimble
@ryntern
"Sex with me is like COVID-19: it happened in Europe long before it happened here."

Mainly, as always in comedy, you CAN joke about COVID-19, as long as you're not punching down. Like, am I going to joke about people suffering, or food shortages? No. I've already seen the community band together and do like, Skype open mics or stream canceled shows from an empty theater. I'm part of an improv group called Frogprov, which improvises in French and English, and we were supposed to have a show at iO at the end of the month. We're now discussing the possibility of doing the show but streaming it live from someone's living room after we've all quarantined for two weeks and know we won't spread it to each other. Like, COVID-19 isn't a person. It can't hear our words. That we know of!

Daniella Mazzio
@daniellamazzio
"Kevin Costner is a dad who is ALL WORK and NO PLAY whose kid gets sick a lot and whose wife passed away five years ago from a *vague illness* but when a new virus is sweeping the nation, his high-paying important job doing BUSINESS goes REMOTE quarantined with his son who he's been estranged from since his wife's passing and the nanny who can't go home because of lockdown kevin costner's first concern is making sure his BUSINESS stays in BUSINESS but as the days in quarantine go on, this makeshift family won't just find new ways to pass the time... they'll find each other -Quarantine Quality Time (2021), dir. by Steven Spielberg"

3.6 积极主动扩大对外开放
北京2016年受理外籍人士及其家属永久居留申请较2015年增长426%。
由于今年是意大利标志性导演米开朗基罗·安东尼奥尼逝世10周年,为向大师致敬,将放映他的13部经典作品--从他的出道作品《某种爱的记录》到1995年的爱情片《云上的日子》。
5月14日,英国佳士得拍卖行拍出世界上最大的无暇艳彩蓝钻。
But this has begun to feel less like a relevant statement about what women want now and more like a retreat; an assumption, which I would characterize as false, that the past is a safe place to dress.
《广告狂人》对时装的影响体现在品牌的发展当中,例如香蕉共和国(Banana Republic)就推出了《广告狂人》系列(这个系列是与该剧的服装主管贾妮·布赖恩特[Janie Bryant]联合设计的),而且很多心照不宣的地方在设计中更加随处可见:裁剪和印花,褶边和接缝;它的影响渗入了在秀台上普遍存在的一种鲜明理念:如果你缺乏灵感或者产生了审美怀疑,就去回顾60年代吧。
8. Greenland sharks live for a very long time
Most popular vehicle
Programming these same signals into artificial human limbs would give amputees replacement hands unlike anything we've developed before.
Singer Susan Boyle came undone -- literally, when her trousers popped open at a soccer match as she waved a Celtic fan above her head in Scotland. The "Britain
玛蒂的知名度如此之高,以致于她在Topshop(服饰店)被尖叫的青少年粉丝们围堵了,小粉丝们激动地要求和偶像自拍合影,这对于玛蒂来说有点难以适应。
Of the graduates to have been through the scheme, 42 per cent have not persisted with teaching. But Teach First says even those who have left the profession remain loyal to the programme’s values.
这支队伍需要更多的天赋,他们需要大修。对魔术而言,最能吸引天赋到来的方式一直以来都是选秀。
电视剧版《何以笙箫默》改编自顾漫同名小说,由钟汉良和唐嫣主演,2015年1月首播。它讲述了一对情侣分离7年后重逢,一个执着于等待和相爱的故事。这部小说一直是网络小说中的佼佼者,并于2003年出版。凭借完美情人何以琛一角,演员钟汉良迅速跻身为女粉丝心中的白马王子。
The artefact which has a flat base was found inside an ancient tomb in the Xuyi County in western Jiangsu in 2009. It has been kept at the Nanjing Museum the capital of Jiangsu Province.
经济学人智库全球生活成本指数发现,亚洲和澳大利亚共有11个城市跻身全球最贵20城市之列,其余有8个是欧洲城市,一个为南美城市。北美没有一个城市进入前20名。
寄希望于电梯可能会再度恢复运行,他随即按下所有楼层的按钮,但是并没有奏效。于是,孙轶潇按下"停止"按钮,锁住电梯,确保不会再下坠。
You`d love to know the balance of forces that shape and move your ponytail, right? That`s why Joseph Keller, Raymond Goldstein, Patrick Warren and Robin Ball received this igNOMINIOUS prize!
n. 怪

Kendall Klitzke
@kendallklitzke
"If only we had just called #MeToo '#SocialDistancing' maybe it wouldn't have gotten as much pushback."

地区
英国商学院在2015年英国《金融时报》欧洲商学院排行榜上大放异彩。不仅伦敦商学院(LBS)再次摘得欧洲最佳商学院的桂冠,还有其他3所英国商学院的排名取得了自去年以来的最大幅度上升。
unique
中国为包括棉花、糖和玉米在内的大宗商品设置的最低价格过高,当这些价格偏离市场价格时,政府鼓励了过度生产以及强劲的进口。
['v?ksi:n]
According to file-sharing news site TorrentFreak, "Game of Thrones" has an estimated 5.9 million downloads per single episode. That number does not include online streaming and cyberlocker downloads, which would make the figure significantly higher. By contrast, "Game of Thrones" has an estimated 5.5 million TV viewers per single episode。
Tongzhou was designated as the site of a new administrative center for the municipal government to help relieve the current heavy pressure on public services in downtown Beijing, where the central government is located.
Miranda Lambert “Bathroom Sink” (RCA Nashville)
"We'll start with a broad list and then begin to narrow it," Podesta told the Boston Globe. "But there is no question that there will be women on that list."
雪莉·巴赛为007系列电影演唱了两首名曲,这是其中之一。从某种程度上来说,007系列电影一直讲述的是心愿达成的故事。观众在享受剧情的同时,耳旁听着最棒的歌手用强有力的声音唱着关于贪欲的歌词,真是恰到好处。所以无论你对这部电影抱有何种看法(尽管这不是007系列最佳电影之一),巴赛拥有上好的素材,创作了让人眼前一亮的歌曲。

Jess Martinez
@have_youmetjess
"Coronavirus is right though, I really do need to stay in and save money."

10. Copyscape
We learned that nothing brings people together like the sun hiding behind the moon.
Wang, the chairman of Dalian Wanda Group, took the top spot with a personal fortune of $32.1 billion, the report said, despite Ma seeing his wealth surge 41 percent from 2015.
8. Smart bottle opener
Holly Hunter reportedly keeps her best actress award, which she won for her portrayal of Ada McGrath in the 1994 New Zealand film, The Piano, at the New York offices of Joel and Ethan Coen. It sits alongside the statue Frances McDormand won for her role as the heavily-pregnant local police chief with the insatiable appetite, Marge Gunderson, in the Coens’ 1996 film Fargo.
adj. 商业的
根据康奈尔大学、英士国际商学院和世界知识产权组织联合发布的这一份报告,这使得中国成为中等收入经济体中该指标的领先者,紧随其后的是已经超过巴西的印度。
而其他的队伍还有在尝试赢球的。小牛队,在3-13的战绩面前,骄傲地说他们不会垫底。但是,明年被认为是近年来最好的NBA选秀,有Markelle Fultz, Jayson Tatum, Lonzo Ball, Josh Jackson, Harry Gile, OG Anumoby, Ivan Rabb……等等优质球员。
“此种情形中,宪法还真不适用。宪法限制了政府对言论的压制,但不限制私立学校。”
The enterprise storage company boosts company morale by hosting a mid-summer "Dog Day". Employees bring their pets to work and enjoy a vendor fair (local groomers, store owners, and trainers are often present), as well as a doggie talent show. A raffle runs the week leading up to the event, and all proceeds are donated to a local animal charity.
联系方式:Kathy Michalove, Seaboard Properties, (860) 535-8364; seaboardpropertiesre.com
Total Program Cost: $176,600
明年就是这只会说话的萌熊诞生60周年了。为了纪念帕丁顿熊诞生60周年,曾执导2014年口碑和票房都大获成功的电影《帕丁顿熊》的保罗?金回归续集担任导演。在当前这个连儿童娱乐节目都充斥着黑暗和暴力的时代,我们比以往任何时候都需要这种安静地讲述英国普通人生活的片子。这部新电影的情节?事实上,没有太多情节:根据上部电影的结尾,帕丁顿熊现在和温莎花园的布朗一家舒适地生活在一起。他想从一个当地的书商那里给他的姨妈买一本立体书,但发现自己还差几英镑,于是他就穿上了自己的长筒雨靴和粗呢连帽外套,并找到了几份兼职工作——结果却发现这本书在书店被偷了!神秘的破案之旅(其实也没那么严重)就此开始。你在电影中还可以看到关于“橘子酱控”帕丁顿熊的更多笑话。该片将于11月10日在英国上映,11月23日在德国上映,11月30日在柬埔寨和马来西亚上映。(资料来源:欧映嘉纳)
戛纳电影节素以质问与嘲笑著名。在本届电影节上,《青木原树海》(Sea of Trees)成为第一部遭遇观众挑剔的电影。该片由格斯?范?桑特Gus Van Sant指导。在媒体放映场,《青木原树海》遭遇嘲弄的风暴,陷入了嘘声之海。由于这些发生在首映红毯前,恶评迅速传播,使得盛典蒙上阴影。娜奥米?沃茨(Naomi Watts )和 马修?麦康纳(Matthew McConaughey)走上红毯时,《每日电讯报》(Daily Telegraph)形容此场景为“极其糟糕却又引人瞩目的羞辱之途”。但是在随后的新闻发布会上,马修?麦康纳,这位来自德克萨斯的演员表情坦然,“每个人都有权倒喝彩,正如他们有权喝彩一样,”他说道。我相信我们都知道他的意思。
而传统主义者诸如乔治·克鲁尼(George Clooney),他因影片《逃离德黑兰》(Argo)获最佳影片奖以及在影片《辛瑞那》(Syriana )中获最佳男配角,他的奥斯卡奖杯放在家中的书房。达斯汀·霍夫曼(Dustin Hoffman)曾在1980年因影片《克莱默夫妇》(Kramer vs. Kramer) 、并在九年后因影片《雨人》(Rain Man)两次获最佳男主角奖,也将其奖杯放在书房中。
瑞士、瑞典、英国再次占据榜单前三名。全球创新指数25强经济体中,有15个来自欧洲。
[i'nili]
鉴于她的成功,她再也无法过上平凡人的生活。

Tori Kilkenny
@torikilkenny
"A friend of mine asked what I thought of The Irishman. Let me tell you—too long, hard to finish, and required way too much focus than I anticipated. From now on I'm stickin to Scots and Englishmen."

re反,treat=tract拉-拉回-撤退
双语:明星纹身爱用拉丁语 粉丝追捧学语言
5.Bryan Cranston was a Murder Suspect
今年最佳的季中交易早已发生了:
Among the amenities spread through its three terminals are two 24-hour movie theaters screening the latest blockbusters for free, a rooftop swimming pool and a butterfly garden.
制度也可能失效。
Christmas arrived on schedule for the U.S. auto industry as a spurt of sales put the wrapping on a surprisingly successful year. Analysts predicted that sales in December could hit a seasonally-adjusted rate of 17 million, which would be the first month at that rate in nearly six years. That would push 2013 sales up to a robust 15.7 million units.
7. Pumping Iron Could Enhance Long-Term Memory
Losers: Knicks

Liz Stockwell
@lizb0t1
"Ah fuck, now I gotta actually clean with all these wipes I got?"

China has been making progress in terms of prevention and control of AIDS, said Wang Bin, an NHC official in charge of disease prevention, during the press conference.
Countrywide, month-on-month prices rose in 62 out of 70 major cities last month, were unchanged in one and fell in seven.
Autonomous cars: Researchers are working on devices that will automatically park your car in a parking lot without you being in, or near, the car. It will also slip a note under the wipers of the car next to it with your phone number and insurance carrier in case of any scratches.
Here’s the full list:
Spending on medicines in "pharmergingmarkets" will rise more than 50 percent over the next five years, ThePharma Letter said, citing IMS.
Among French schools, Toulouse Business School made the best progress, up 14 places, after featuring in the Executive MBA ranking for the first time.
Morocco is a gateway to Africa. Major tourism cities in the North African kingdom include the capital of Rabat, Casablanca – the country's largest city - Marrakesh and Agadir.

Amber Autry
@amberautrycomedy
"My boyfriend has been casually teaching me Jiu jitsu and now is scheduling 'classes' daily. I bought all these brownies for the lockdown and I'm being forced to exercise."

It's weird, I'm getting more opportunity to write, which I wanted but I asked myself today, "If I don't want to write about coronavirus, what else do I wanna write about? Is anything goofy funny right now?" As of now I'm going to continue to write and trust myself. Laughter always prevails! v

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